narc encounters of the worst kind
As a divorced woman in my mid-fifties, I've spent the last few years inward-seeking.
So much of my life was broken, and I repeatedly chose other broken people for my inner circles. None of us thought we were jacked up— heck, some of us thought we had all our shit together. Some of us had good jobs and stable marriages or relationships; others were running marathons or chasing their dreams. But we were all jacked up in some way.
Me— I spent most of my life running, trying to escape the pain of abandonment and rejection that started way back in the womb. I studied abnormal psychology, so I understand why I displayed histrionic personality disorder behaviors until my early thirties.
In my twenties, I married a man almost twice my age (daddy complex?— perhaps). He was obsessed with himself. Everything was about him. Every vacation we took— he chose, every restaurant we ate at—he decided- everything was always about him. Our kids in sports, you guessed it, were always about him. That seemed normal to me.
But perhaps it was just familiar.
In my thirties, I went to work for a man who I now realize was a lot like my first husband. He was self-obsessed and did whatever it took to get whatever he wanted— no matter what or who it cost. But, unlike my first husband, my new boss, who would later turn a friend, was fun. And if you were lucky enough to be included in the fun, it was spectacular. Life of the party he was.
For years I felt I was where I wanted to be, yet I still didn't quite seem to fit in. That came later when he "needed" me more. I watched him go through employees and relationships like a card game of 52-pickup.
This man was always doing the next greatest thing, everything extravagant and much with a shock factor. As I said earlier, being part of his team or entourage for almost two decades was fun. Yes, two decades.
Until he decided to "change his mind" through psychedelics.
He jumped on the big bandwagon of psychedelics and mental health— except there was one problem. He wasn't a mental health professional. If he read that, he would roll his eyes because he knows everything and doesn't need a degree to be a know-it-all.
This man in his mid-forties, who had spent almost two decades in a cutting-edge, push-the-envelope global ministry, decided to change career paths and become a psychedelic guru. He went through his entire retirement fund and his wife's (unbeknownst to her until 2/3 of it was gone) to build a "retreat center" where others could experience this changing of the mind through psychedelics.
Did I quit when he started to LOSE HIS MIND? Nope. Still, that die-hard-loyal human inside me didn't want to believe he was out of his mind, and I looked for all the reasons he might be on to something. I mean, let's face it— he always sounded so compelling and convincing. And I wasn't the only one who thought so— his Facebook page had over 200K "followers." More impressive than David Koresh.
A true narcissist knows how to take some truth and spin it with a variety of manipulation, in turn, a magnetic field for those looking to get in on something cutting edge, different, or to be included in something a big shot was doing.
I studied the benefits to mental health through psychedelics via Johns Hopkins research and the research of MAPS and other organizations, hospital research centers, and research done in other countries. In addition, I bought and read countless books on the topic. I was convinced this work was revolutionary and beneficial —-especially to those who had suffered some trauma in their lifetime.
And there it began— my bend towards hell.
When I was little, I idolized my mom. Sadly, my mom was broken by her parents. She was a product of severe physical, sexual, emotional, and mental abuse. I'm not making excuses for my mom, who rarely showed up for me— it's just a fact. I do not doubt that her trauma prevented her from being a mother. Somewhere in my childhood, being left alone more nights than not, having experienced sexual abuse for the first time at the early age of 3, and being bullied throughout my elementary school years, I longed for my mother's love and attention instead of neglect, so much so that I would do anything to please her. And there is where it really began—my first bend toward hell. I've learned so much about trauma over the last several years of my adulthood. But, unfortunately, it took me many years to understand that many of my relationships, jobs and other choices stemmed from that deep inner wound --a core shame belief that I was unworthy.
People like me (the me I used to be) are magnets for narcissists.
You see, the narcissist longs for control and will say and do whatever it takes to gain that. Therefore, someone with unresolved grief or deep inner wounding that resulted in the untrue belief of unworthiness and other core shame beliefs is a prime target for narcissistic abuse. We long to please. We long to be included. We long to belong.
Gaslighting was #6 on the top ten buzzwords of 2022. So I'm not the only one waking up.
Narcissists are known for gaslighting. But, unfortunately, the sad reality is that the group I referenced earlier (let's call it the unresolved grief or inner wound group ) doesn't realize they are being gaslit. Healthy people often don't recognize it immediately because narcissists are great liars and manipulators.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse in which the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality. Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to feel unsure about their perceptions of the world and even wonder if they are losing their sanity. (1)
Sometimes the gaslighting starts "soft" -- for example, my ex-boss knew I struggled with my weight. "Struggled," as in I was uncomfortable in my own skin. So he would comment about my weight but always with the intention of "helping" me... until after 18 years of working with him, I "crossed him" by telling him I couldn't keep working for him with the way things were and I couldn't keep his secrets. And that is when the name-calling began. For some reason, I could "handle” being called fat and a bitch, but what sent me over the edge was HOW he put a mental twist on the name-calling: 'You know why you are STILL so fat? Because you refuse to do the work!" Spoken like a true narcissist.
It's laughable now. I mean seriously ridiculous because anyone who knows me knows I have worked hard on inner healing over the last several years. But at the time, the constant berating, name-calling, and accusations (all part of gaslighting) were overwhelming. Remember, he was not just a "boss"— I thought he was a lifelong friend—a brother from another mother. We had worked together on life-changing projects over the years, yet here I was in the wake of his narcissistic outbursts and attacks while losing my job. Yes, I quit, but I had no choice if I wanted to keep my integrity, sanity, and peace— It was a loss I chose, but a loss nonetheless.
Narcissists are conniving, vindictive and untruthful. Some common phrases of a narcissist are:
"I never said that"
"You're crazy."
"No one else knows you as I do."
"You are your own worst enemy."
"You are imagining that."
"I'm not the only one who feels this way about you."
"You are the reason for this."
"That's not what happened."
"I did that because I was trying to help you."
"You're too emotional."
Narcissists surround themselves with people who will make them feel good and look good or who they can get to do the work they take credit for.
60% of Narcissist marriages end in divorce. (2) A narc will leave a marriage when there is conflict and find another victim with whom to "start over." As was the case with my boss. His beautiful and intelligent wife brought wisdom, discernment, and balance that often interrupted his agenda, so he said he was going on a sabbatical to "find himself." Within a week, what he found was a new victim. But, unfortunately, the victims of narcissists are usually naive and starstruck by the grandiose lifestyle (or big talk) and the love-bombing, totally unaware they are no different than the victims before them.
When I quit my job in August of 2021, I was unprepared, scared, sad, and unsure of the future. But I am in that future now, and it is brighter than I could have imagined. Day by day, I've experienced a restoration—of confidence, mental & spiritual health, and the ability to create authentic relationships! I've got a fantastic new job where I am valued and appreciated and experiencing freedom as I've never known before. The work has been challenging but Oh, so worth it!
If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, so many legitimate resources are available. Hit me up, and I'll share my list.
sources
(1) Very Well Mind