Grace to forgive

I never thought I would heal from losing our marriage, let alone be friends with my ex-husband. Those words in the same sentence are an oxymoron: "ex" and "friend."  

I also never thought I was the one in our marriage who needed to be forgiven—after all, I wasn't the "offender." What a crock of disillusion. 

We were two broken souls looking for the answer in each other—but the answer is never found in another person. Some would say it is in God alone—but it takes a human's willingness to look within themselves to see what needs to change and then take the brave step(s) to do the work. Man—I brought so much baggage into our marriage. Poor David didn't stand a chance.

I had jumped right from a highly toxic and abusive marriage into my relationship with him, and we married soon after that. I had expectations he probably could have never lived up to or met in this lifetime, not to mention my toxic upbringing and role model. There was so much toxicity in my own behavior during our decade + together. Lord have mercy.

I won't go into the baggage he brought into the marriage; I've done that too many times—-but let's say he had more than enough of his own, too. 

The happily ever after in our story never came. Or is it unfolding in forgiveness?

After years of distance and processing, David and I chose to forgive each other for

• unmet expectations

• disappointments

• hurtful behavior towards one another

• broken vows

• broken families

• lost relationships 

• missed opportunities

• financial ruins

• unrealized dreams

• love lost

• divorce

I could list more because there were so many offenses on both our parts, but the bottom line is that we have let it all go. 

My process here is not to tell anyone else what they should or should not do. This is my journey, and this is what I’ve chosen. There are times and situations when restoration or friendship is just not possible. I’ve been there too. And while I believe forgiveness is always the answer (if for no one else but ourselves)— I would never suggest that all deaths should be resurrected.

Our divorce was never because we didn't love each other; it was because we were two very broken people who needed a lot of healing, and unfortunately, we got in each other's way. It was the hardest goodbye I’ve ever said.

David and I recently spent time together. It was the first time we had seen each other in almost a decade. The first time since our divorce. I won't say it was easy—it had its challenges. And, while we know that we are not each other's "person," we have learned to forgive, let go of the past, and love each other differently, this time through friendship. We just happen to have a helluva history!

The pictures of us below were taken twenty years apart.

There is healing in forgiveness, forgiveness for each other, and forgiveness for ourselves.